Instead I self educated myself when it came to Business, I had started my own business as a 17 year old, with a 5k loan, 20 years prior and now was the proud owner of 4 multi six figure businesses, one of which was a million pound adventure park and was doing business internationally with clients all around the world, my clients were A-list movie stars, Huge gaming companies, Theme Parks, Movie premiers, Software companies, TV Shows, life was good. 

I was also a mum of 3 boys, one which was a newborn with a kitted out office which had everything duplicated that I had at home for the baby, Milk machine, cot, jumperoo, baby swings and there I was thinking I was a Wildly successful women entrepreneur, making my way in the world, proud that I could do all this and be a working mum, even with a newborn and be successful UNTIL my world came crashing down on me, and that crashed down fast. I thought I was successful but really my life was falling apart.

You know they say hindsight is a wonderful thing and that it truly is, now as I look back I can see all the pieces to the puzzle, connect all the dots, all the moments that make sense, how it all happened, why I always overworked to the point of exhaustion, never resting, never taking a holiday, but in my office, feeding my baby while doing my infusionsoft campaigns in between international calls, I had no idea what was about to happen to me but what I can tell you is that it ripped my life apart and shattered it to a million pieces that I never thought would ever be able to be pieced together.  

I had experienced many traumas in my life from the age of 4. Life has a way of catching up with you, and it certainly caught up with me but it was my third bout of Birth Trauma that had been the final straw that broke this camels back.. 

Trauma can only stay hidden for so long before it implodes. In December 2015, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and PTSD. Years and years of trauma caught up with me, the trauma that I had tried to outwork so I wouldn't have to think about it, wouldn't have to feel it, wouldn't have to acknowledge it, but it all decided to rear its ugly head all at the same time. I was medicated and my whole life fell apart. 

I went from successful businesswomen to someone who cried all day, screamed nearly all day, couldn't leave her house, was so scared of the outside world that she would scream, cry and shake if she did have to leave her house. 

I was suffering and hurting inside silently. I couldn't go back to my office, my office buildings, my own woodland I couldn't answer the phone, I was petrified of letters, I couldn't open them, the fear was intense, I couldn't cope with anything. I was isolated, alone, scared and having flashbacks every 5 minutes or so. 

Because I thought I was invincible, I built my businesses with no thought about what would happen if I couldn't work!  After all, I had worked in labour, after operations, I didn't think there would ever be a day that I couldn't work. 

I forgot to mention that at this time - I still HAD to work! Sounds crazy right because there is no way anyone in that mental state should ever be working anywhere, let alone be responsible for 4 businesses, but I had no choice. I had financial responsibilities, to 4 businesses, to staff, to bills, to clients, to customers. I had built all my companies to depend on me, the problem with that is if you break, they all break. I literally could not get out of bed and when I did, I was crying the whole time, BUT I had to keep on going, even in my worst moments, which are too unbearable to write about, I had to still keep trooping on, people were relying on me, if didn't perform then the businesses would go downhill fast, I had to keep on making money to keep them afloat until I got better. 

I spent the next 3 years trying to "get better" and fix myself, I realised after a year of it, 3 times a week, therapy just wasn't going to fix me, I was going to be stuck on medication for the rest of my life and it was acceptable at the time, for PTSD to not ever recover. 

Well, me being me wasn't having any of that, in my mind, living with PTSD was not an option, too many people with it don't recover so I started studying the brain and trying to figure out what was actually happening. At this time my businesses were starting to suffer financially, I was petrified to open mail, emails, answer the phone and I needed to get better to fix them. Fear ruled my life, I felt like life what full of obstacles I just couldn't get over.

I then picked up a book that had been sitting there for years, but this day I just started flicking through it, I read something that changed my life - that you have beliefs and belief systems.  I had never heard of this before.  I needed to know more.

From there, I came across the Law of attraction which I had also never had heard about before, Esther and Jerry Hicks, and my mind was blown away, thoughts into things, manifesting what your vibrating, it all started to make sense, so I started studying that, then it was the fight and flight system and the stress response, the central nervous system, the reptilian brain, then trauma and then Louise Hay, Wallace and  Napoleon Hill. 

After all that I knew that trauma memories were on loop and were being triggered which was why I couldn't recover, the only way to stop it was to clear the trauma. When I studied about the fight and flight response and the stress response and started getting into mind body tools like EFT and Matrix that solved mind body issues then I realised I could heal my own PTSD, which I did.